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You're kidding, right? "How To Parent?" Give me a break. If it were THAT easy, there certainly wouldn't be so many children in foster care right now. Although there is no set of instructions on "How To Parent," there certainly are some guidelines that can be followed and assistance to be found. That's the most amazing thing about being a parent in the human race: every single person is different. If we weren't different, this world would be quite a boring place.
Before you are granted the special privilege of becoming a parent, there are certain things that must be decided, realized, and figured out.
1. There is no such thing as the "Perfect Parent." There is no such thing as the "Perfect Child."
Once this is realized, you're one step closer to happiness.
You may be sitting there saying, "Well DUH!" but it's not as DUH! as you may think. We all sit back and imagine the times to come. We see ourselves in the park with a child we have longed to have. You stand behind him, pushing him as he yells, "Higher, Mom! Higher!" The sun is shining with a gentle breeze. After a nice picnic - complements of KFC and a fat wallet - you walk hand-in-hand as a family down the path to success. After years of want and desire, you finally have exactly what you have always wanted. A perfect, little family.
Now. WAKE-UP!
It's not an impossible dream, but remember, it's a DREAM. A fantasy. A wish. Utopia.
There will always be days that you, as a parent, will lose your temper unexpectedly. Those that never do, probably will. There will be days you feel ill, but everything and everyone around you doesn't want to accept it. There will be days the child doesn't want to go to bed on time and then doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning. There will be times that the child will intentionally provoke you to see how bad you really are (or are not).
There may not be a perfect child or a perfect parent, but there are certainly ways to make some days better than others.
2. Learn How To Listen
Yes! We can actually learn from our children! Listen to what they have to say!
3. Set realistic expectations
We always want the best for our children. We want them to strive for and achieve everything within reach. We want them to grow-up better than we did, learn from our mistakes, and ensure the entire world is within their reach. We want only the best for our children, and nothing less will do. But remember a few things about your child:
Life has already been hell for the little guy, whether the child is 2 weeks old or 16. Many (perhaps Most) of the children up for adoption or that are in foster care are there for lack of parental supervision, care, and worse. Some are in the 8th grade when they are on a 3rd grade reading level. With a situation as this, it would be difficult to expect the child to bring home an A on their report card in English. After the honeymoon phase is over, don't be surprised if he/she does nothing but yell. It may be all he/she knows about communication. Something like this is not fixed overnight, or even by the month's end. The absolute opposite is a child that doesn't speak much at all. The child maybe fearful, and under going separation and loss which can take years to over come.
On the same note, however, do not expect too little. If the child is doing poorly in school, invest in tutoring. If the child is yelling at you, explain (over and over and over and over) that it is not acceptable behavior and you will not respond to him/her while there is yelling involved. If the child does not speak at all, try note writing. Then have the child read you his/her note.
4. Realize that what works for one child won't necessarily work for another.
This is especially true for punishment. Grounding a child from going out with friends when he/she doesn't have any doesn't accomplish much, does it? Yelling at Jane may make her stop doing what she is doing wrong. But yelling at Jill gives you nothing but a dumb look and a sassy response. Jane didn't do her homework last night, and got a zero today. You sat her down and explained why this was bad. She apologized and did tonight's homework in addition to last night's homework. Jill didn't do her homework. When explaining why this is bad, she argues with you that she'll never use this in life any way, so what was the point?
5. Mean what you say - ALWAYS
Here's the situation... Your daughter was caught smoking. When you approach her about it, she slams the door yelling how much she hates you. You barge into the room and in the heat of the moment, you tell her how brainless and stupid she is. You may apologize later for saying it, but she will remember what you said. It's kinda like saying "The jury will disregard that last comment." Uh.... Right.
If you say you're going to do something, DO IT! If something comes up and you are unable to fulfil your obligation, post-pone it - ONCE. Stay away from words like "always" and "never." For example, "Why do you always have to be this way?" or "You never clean your room."
Something as simple as "I promise we'll play that game tomorrow" is crushing the trust and stability that child has with you if you do not play that game with him/her. In a life already filled with disappointments, lies, and misdeeds, do you really want to encourage this type of behavior? Do NOT make promises that you are not 100% sure you can keep. Use words like, "I will try" or "We will have to see" instead.
If you punish the child, STICK TO IT! If you fall through on your own punishments, the child feels they are in control. The child should never be the one controlling you. Don't compromise on the punishment. Lay your ground and stick to it. One slip up can make the child think he/she has won. The next time you punish him/her, he/she will know exactly what buttons to push to get you to give in again. If you ground him for three weeks, then he is grounded for three weeks. No phone calls means no phone calls. If there are exceptions to the punishment, lay the exceptions out in the beginning. For example, if you place the child on phone restriction, it is OK he/she speaks with family.
NEVER let it be compromised of who is really in charge of the situation. It should always be you.
6. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help.
No one knows it all. Every child and situation is different. Sometimes you're just at your wits end and feel you are out of options. It's not true. There is no perfect parent. There is no perfect child. Remember? Friends, family, co-workers, social workers, books, and even the internet are there for you to query. There is a wide variety of ways to find information.
Just never take your confusion and frustration out on the child. Some will try their hardest to push your buttons - convinced that you are no different than the people they were with before. You will eventually get rid of them, hit them, etc. They just want you to go ahead and get it over with. But, once again, you are the one in control. Not the child. Take a deep breath, and use your resources.
7. Routine maybe boring, but it is a necessity.
Humans are creatures of habit. As adults, the average person wakes up just about the same time every morning. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner about the same time every day. We go to work. We come home. We follow the same laws while driving. We follow the same rules at the workplace. Although speech and activities differentiate day to day, the routine is the same. When something occurs that changes this routine, everything seems to come unraveled.
Children are more so accustomed to routine. They need it. They thrive off of it. Children NEED stability to realize when something is wrong. If everything is different every day (new rules, changes in rules, changes in diet, new boyfriends every week, new girlfriends every other day) they lose the concept of reality. This often appears as hyperactivity, restlessness, and anger.
Although every day is different, attempt to keep the overall picture the same every day. Regular meals will prevent hoarding, bingeing, and other eating disorders. Set rules and discipline provide nurturing, earn respect, and show the child there are limits and consequences. New significant others coming in and out of the house (not to be confused with extended family) emphasize lasting relationships aren't possible and can slow the attachment process.
8. For Every negative, give two positives.
Positive re-enforcement is never a bad thing. Rewarding for bad punishment or always pointing out the faults is.
"I can't believe you did that! Do you EVER listen to me?!" = Not Good.
"I'll give you ten bucks if you never do that again." = Not Good.
"You did Number 5 very well, but I think you may want to take a look at number 6 again." = Good.
When the child is yelling at you, tell him/her how much you appreciate them telling you how he/she feels, but that there are betters ways to communicate it, such as that time when...
9. The wrong decisions may be the right thing to do.
I know it hard, but as a parent, one of our MAJOR responsibilities is to allow the child to mess-up. As long as the child's health or well being is not an issue, we all need to learn from our mistakes. This encourages independence and self-satisfaction. If the child is prevented from messing up, the child doesn't learn how to make it better.
"I don't know how!" the child says.
"Well, try. If you don't get it right, we'll discuss how to make it better, ok?"
A lot of parents feel bad for the child, or get frustrated with the questions, so they just do it themselves. Homework, asking someone for instructions, ordering for the child at a restaurant, etc.
It's OK if they mess-up. Really. It is. None of us learned how to drive a stick-shift without the car stalling out a few times.
10. Love
The 'ole phrase "Love Conquers All" comes to mind - that is unless you have a teenager. Even when the child - and he/she WILL do this - yells at the top of their lungs how much they HATE you, ALWAYS return affection. The first few weeks/months will be hard. This is normal. You may truly believe you do not love the child - and that's OK. But NEVER let the child know you are feeling this way. NEVER. NO EXCEPTION. Everything WILL calm down. It just may take longer than you originally expected.
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